Quiet

If I just lift the covers up a little, she'll show up and curl up next to my chin.

Rocket Man

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone.


OK, what was really in my mind was, "Rocket man, nah nah nah nah nah na nah nah naa, Rocket man...." 

Sunday Pick-Up

Sunday garbage pickup. Sunday. Of course the music went later, that makes sense. I can't deal without at least five hours sleep. I can function quite well on five hours. That's normal. Six hours is great. Three for two nights in a row doesn't work. I'll just go down and ask for a new room right now. Oh wait, maybe not in these PJ's or in this hair. My Bob Dylan morning hair. Trip Advisor here I come. Is it right to give a bad review without complaining to the hotel first? I would have asked for a new room yesterday, but I know mom and dad don't want to move. Mom sleeps right through it all.

Library access. I love journal access. This is one of the main problems with our higher education. Access. I can purchase a community card to a local university library, but it will not get me online journal access. Argh. You have to be a student or employee to get that access. I need that access. If I go back to work at a university and they ask me why I want to return to university work, I will say, "online journal access, I need it."

I am up, but I am not awake, this is NOT a good combination. This is where my reputation for not being a morning person comes from. I might bite. I could bite right now. I desperately am counting on a nap in the sun this afternoon. Please universe grant me a good long, restorative nap in the warm sun this afternoon. All would be good. Kitty wouldn't bite nor roar with a nap in the sun under her belt.

Who needs to sleep in?

Garbage trucks on Saturday morning? Mom and dad are still snoring so I know it's EARLY. WTF? Alleys make garbage trucks ten times louder than normal. If the band hadn't played until maybe midnight and then the crowds going home hadn't come through the alley and then if the stragglers hadn't decided to fill their ice buckets from the machine just on the other side of the wall.... If I lay here for an hour maybe I will fall back to sleep. Oh now there are guys out in the alley yelling across to each other from their respective doorways. Really, what city has garbage trucks next to hotels on Saturday morning?? I think they gave us the loudest room in the hotel. Would it be bad if I went to request a new room in my PJ's?

Cat Scan

Wide awake and yet I feel as tired as when I'm sleepy and ready for bed. Mom's still asleep, don't want to wake her up. Follow-up appointment today. CT scan results. Deep breath. Am I clenching every single muscle in my body? I forgot that I have muscles in my toes and forehead and finger tips and ears... How do they know from the surgery that her lungs are clear? Her lungs are clear. That's "the plan." That's the way I've been rehearsing how this will go. That's how it will go. So far, everything's gone according to plan. I should get up and exercise or read or get ready so mom can take her time when she wakes up. Dad didn't even wake her up when he got up. She's resting, that's good. It was a long night. We shouldn't have walked in the cold like that. We did have fun.... She's up. I'm up.

Hope I don't get the flu. I always think this now when I fly. People right in your row coughing a nasty productive cough - covering her mouth with her hand. I hold my breath for a little bit knowing that probably makes no difference, I can't help myself.

I never worried about the flu until this year. This year, I am more worried mostly because we have a little one at work who is so vulnerable. Also now we worry about giving something to mom. Don't want to be the one to give her the flu or a nasty cold when we're so anxious for her to start her treatment.

Last night, right before going to sleep, I actually was able to get to a point where I thought, "Thank you, cancer." I felt able to greet her cancer and just say "OK, thank you for the gifts you have brought us," and really mean it.

The other night Jovi and I were talking about the genetic testing that is now available and how conflicted we are about it. On the one hand you have to think, "This is cool. We could find out our family ancestry just like in that show with Henry Louis Gates, Jr." On the other hand, "Hello Gattica." Yikes. I also think, disease is such an important part of nature. I told Jovi that in no way, given a choice, would I want mom to have cancer. I don't want to be going through this and I especially don't want mom going through this. That said, it has already given our family a wonderful gift. My brother, sister and I know how much we care about each other and how much we will put aside to care for our parents. We know this before they really need it. So many families fall apart during medical crises. I feel a sense of belonging in my family that I've never really felt. We also know how much mom and dad mean to us. It's hard to capture what I'm trying to say here. Again, I wouldn't choose this, but I have to admit that there has been one wonderful benefit and I'm not going to pretend there isn't.

There are many quotes and philosophic statements about how difficulty highlights what we have to be thankful for. I am glad to have heard some of them.

From the Heart = Anxiety

I made a decision from the heart yesterday and it's probably going to come back and bite me in the ass. I know I should have gone with my instincts, with reason and made the tough decision. I know that sometimes a hard decision now is a better decision in the long run. Why am I always the one though to make the tough decisions and why don't I get to be the one to go from my heart. I want to give this person a chance and maybe it will be more work right now, but there's a chance and so I wanted to take it. What can I do to set the expectations right now. That's going to be so important.

I want to check the time but the cat is so nicely cuddled in my arm and I love when she cuddles like this. She seems so happy and comfortable and that's not quite as common as it used to be. OK and when I do lift my head to peek at the alarm, she's going to wake up and start meowing her old kitty "feed me" meow. Oh crap it's 4:30.

Hey I have my "when I woke up" thought though, I can go back to sleep right?

Nope. I think there's a chance still it was an OK decision. Maybe not.

Old cats aren't so polite...

Ouch kitty!

...this morning I discovered that God is a verb.

This morning it occurred to me that God is an action, a verb. This morning the sentence, "God is the effort of connecting compassionately to others," came to me as my first thought. God is when we actively work to be connected to other people - to other family members, to neighbors, to coworkers, to people in an earthquake in Haiti or Chile. When we try to walk in the shoes of others, when we listen with compassion and are truly present when interacting with others, when we think about the consequences our actions have on others, we participate in the creation of and the experience of God.

Of course, I also believe in Martin Buber's assertion that, when we try to articulate God, we lose the essence of God. I think this is because God is a verb that is more of an action than a noun to be described within the vocabulary of our limited experience of the world around us. This makes me think of the "Allegory of the Cave" too. It also makes me think of the whirling Sufis and an experience of God through motion. We are kinesthetic beings meant to also experience the world through action and not just through our eyes.

The rabbit sounds like she is rearranging our kitchen, time to tend to the pets.