Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Houses

I woke up this morning with the singular thought, "I don't even want to be in this house." Fortunately, I was referring to a house I was in during the dream I was just having and not my actual house. I had dreamt that I was with my ex-husband and several old friends moving into a house together. Dave and I weren't getting along and he was completely ignoring my input as to which room in the house we were going to claim. My friends were claiming rooms left and right and I was looking for a room with a bit of privacy. He was so excited to be living with his old college buddies that he really didn't care where we stayed. I was so frustrated with the whole situation that I really felt like none of the rooms would really do. One had several beds and a curtain up around a corner with a bed in there. Another room, that my old friends claimed, had two twins in it. I started thinking about the many times I wanted to go off on some little excursion with just Dave and he'd only wanted to hang out with his friends or go off on a kayaking trip without me. I woke up thinking to myself, "I don't even want to be in this house." You could have a Freudian heyday with that dream and I usually like analyzing my dreams, but I don't think that's the point of the dream.

I heard a quote at a workshop not long ago that went something like this, "Fear is the shabbiest room in the house. I'd like to see you in better living conditions." For some reason, around 4:00 AM this morning this quote made sense to me in relation to my waking thought, "I don't even want to be in this house." A few years ago, I walked out of that house and I'm in better living conditions. To me, our happiness is sometimes just a matter of recognizing our surroundings and how they make us feel. The hardest work is choosing to walk out of those surroundings when we've tried everything to change them and to step into the unknown. Stepping out the front door seems like a much easier concept to grasp.

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